Dr. Pat Love Interview Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever
“The Truth About Love: The Highs, the Lows, and How You Can Make It Last Forever”
Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Dr. Pat Love
A few topics Dr. Pat Love addresses in this interview are:
- (2:41) The Stage of Falling in Love
- (5:54) 4 Stages of Love
- (10:06) Seek Therapy for Communication
- (12:51) 3 Measures of Happiness
- (16:22) Infidelity in All Relationships
- (24:10) Therapy Helps Relationships
- (26:48) Flexibility Important in Relationships
- (31:53) What Sparks My Desire?
- (35:07) Searching For Partner: 3 Tips
Dr. Pat Love is known for her warmth, humor, and practical, research-based wisdom. Her blog posts, YouTube clips, books, trainings, workshops and online courses have made her a popular go-to relationship consultant.
Her work has been featured on TV, in cyberspace and popular magazines, but she’s also a distinguished professor, licensed marriage and family therapist, and long-standing clinical member and approved supervisor in American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Dr. Love (Yes, that is her real surname) has authored/co-authored six books, four workbooks and numerous professional publications. Her work literally has taken her around the world to help people understand and improve their relationships.
Dr. Love received her doctor of education in counselor education from West Virginia University. She was a tenured associate professor at Texas A&M University in Commerce, Texas for six years before establishing the Austin Family Institute in Austin, Texas. Dr. Love also served as president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling.
Today, she continues following her passion to help others through her writing and as a relationship consultant, trainer and workshop presenter.
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(00:47): Hello everyone and welcome to Intersections Match’s Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show focused on the continual evolution into the best versions of our authentic selves.
This is Jasbina, your host. I’m a former practicing lawyer and the Founder of Intersections Match, the only elite national personalized matchmaking company focused on singles of South Asian descent nationwide in the US.
As a dating coach and matchmaker, I’m always interested in fresh perspectives from authors, researchers and experts to help me provide unparalleled service to our clients.
I’m very excited to welcome author and marriage therapist Pat Love to our show today. I had the pleasure of shooting a YourTango Expert Video Series with Pat in Dallas. I thought she’d have great insights for all of you. Pat has authored three books entitled Hot Monogamy, The Emotional Incest Syndrome and The Truth About Love.
She’s been a guest on many national and local TV and radio programs including Oprah and The Today Show. She’s a past president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counselors. On today’s show, we will be discussing Pat’s insights regarding relationship patterns. Welcome to the show, Pat.
Dr. Pat Love
(2:04): Thank you. I’m happy to be here, Jasbina.
(2:08): It’s a pleasure to have you on.
Dr. Pat Love
(2:28): My girlfriend and I founded the Austin Family Institute many years ago. Family, relationships, marriage and dating have always been my specialty throughout my career.
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The Stage of Falling in Love
(2:41): I know that our listeners are excited to hear your insights from your wealth of experience and expertise. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your book, The Truth About Love.
In your book, you discuss in depth the various stages of love. I’m hoping you can identify those different stages and share some insights regarding those stages with our listeners.
Dr. Pat Love
(3:14): I think that’s really important.
Love does go through stages.
We’re very familiar with the first stage, which is that falling in love, romantic love or infatuation stage. We’re very familiar with that.
What’s important about that stage is the last word, “stage.” It does have an arc. It has a beginning, a peak and an end.
Elaborating on The Stage of Falling in Love.
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4 Stages of Love
(5:54): Awareness of that is key. There is nothing wrong with someone going through those stages. In fact, it’s to be expected. I think awareness is really important.
There was a story in your book that caught my eye. There was a happily married woman who told you that she divorced and remarried her husband four times in 22 years. Tell us about that. What was happening there?
Dr. Pat Love
(6:28): 4 Stages of Love
- Falling in love
- Post-Rapture
- Discovery
- Connection
Elaborating on 4 Stages of Love.
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Seek Therapy for Communication
(10:06): What one begins with is not what one needs to end with. That is very important.
What are some of the most common reasons that you believe people seek couples counseling? What are some of the patterns that you see?
Dr. Pat Love
(10:26): The most common reason why people seek help is, they say, “We don’t communicate.”
I often think that’s a little funny. It’s impossible to not communicate.
Even going silent or withdrawing and pouting is a form of communicating. Criticism is communicating.
Elaborating on Seek Therapy for Communication.
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3 Measures of Happiness
(12:51): Happiness is an inside job. I think that is so profound.
You mentioned a preventative measure. Individuals can side-step some of the more common relationship issues.
One of which is to find a way that you can make yourself happy.
What other preventative measures might there be for someone?
A person might say, “Looking at the patterns you see on a regular basis, what can I do to mitigate the chances of getting in that situation?”
Are there some concrete things that someone can do to prevent some of these things?
Dr. Pat Love
(13:38): 3 Measures of Happiness
- Money Responsibility
- Friendship in Relationships
- Single State of Mind
Elaborate on 3 Measures of Happiness.
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Infidelity in All Relationships
(16:22): Yes. It is interesting. I think there is an element of us that recognizes that. People come to me and want someone who is happy to begin with. That sets everyone up for success when we find someone who is happy to begin with.
I want to switch gears and talk about infidelity. I’m sure you’ve seen it in your practice. What do you think are some of the most common reasons for infidelity?
Dr. Pat Love
(16:57): First, let me dispel a myth.
The myth is that it only happens in bad relationships. There must be something wrong with the relationship. If your partner were doing his or her job then there would never be infidelity.
This is not true.
Elaborating on Infidelity in All Relationships.
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<h2?Therapy Helps Relationships
(24:10): That’s so helpful, walking through what strikes people when that happens. It’s really difficult to recover from that.
I’m wondering if you’ve seen cases where couples have been able to. Do you believe that trust and faith can be restored? What can be done at that point?
Maybe they were in the accidental category.
Dr. Pat Love
(25:12): Lots of good books were written on this. One of my colleagues, Janis Abrams Spring, has written one of the better ones.
Of the couples who seek help with what I would call garden variety infidelity, not addiction or compulsivity, most not only get through it, they get better.
They say, where a bone is broken, it fuses stronger. There is so much hope and help available.
Elaborating on Therapy Helps Relationships.
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Flexibility Important in Relationships
(26:48): If both partners are motivated to continue the relationship then there are plenty of measures that they can take. There is a lot of timeless wisdom in your book, The Truth About Love.
You discuss tips for the neo-traditional model of marriage, which was prevalent at that time and is even more so today. It takes even more forms than when your book first came out. Discuss a couple of the tips you mentioned.
Dr. Pat Love
(27:52): In relationship research, almost since research began, one element predicts happiness over the decades. It is flexibility.
I think flexibility is important, especially in the roles that two people take in a relationship.
Elaborating on Flexibility Important in Relationships.
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(30:29): Flexibility is key. You can see that flexibility in a person as you’re getting to know them. The ability to be flexible with another and meet each other’s needs is revealed.
You mentioned a question that you’ve been asked many times. The question is, how can we create satisfying love that will last a lifetime? Your answer to this question is quite profound. Can you share it with us?
Dr. Pat Love
(31:20): Find out what says “I love you” to your partner and give it as a gift, no strings attached.
Love is a verb. Love is about loving. There are people who believe the love that you feel is the love that you give.
I’m one of them. I know that sounds trite. There are years of research that backs that up.
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What Sparks My Desire?
(31:53): The love that you feel is the love that you give.
You talked in your book about couples where one partner has a greater interest in sex than the other. This can be a common issue for many couples.
What are some tips and things that a couple can do in that situation? They’re not alone. There are many couples in that situation.
Dr. Pat Love
(32:28): We could talk a long time about this one.
First, you have to find out the bottom line. I say to couples, “Do you want to be sexual?”
Generally, they say, “Yes, of course.” The question usually isn’t, “Will we?” It’s not if we will be sexual. It’s how you get there.
I wrote a book about this called Hot Monogamy. You have to understand your own desire.
Elaborating on What Sparks My Desire?
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Searching For Partner: 3 Tips
(35:07): I want to end with your top three tips for singles searching for a life partner.
Dr. Pat Love
(35:14): 3 Tips: Searching For Partner
- Know Yourself
- Get To Know The Other Person
- Know What Makes a Relationship Work
Elaborating on Searching For Partner: 3 Tips.
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(36:37): Thank you so much, Pat. It’s been a pleasure. Thank you for sharing so many great insights with our listeners. In case you joined us late or would like to share this show with people in your life, I’d like to remind you that today’s radio show will be archived and available as a podcast on Intersections Match’s website, which is www.IntersectionsMatch.com.
Pat, do you have a website that you’d like to share with our listeners?
Dr. Pat Love
(37:01): Yes, it’s PatLove.com.
(37:11): I appreciate you hanging out with us. Make sure to join us for next month’s show. Take care, everyone.
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Tell Us:
What advice of Dr. Pat Love’s has made an impression on you? Tell us in the comments section below.
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