Christie Hartman Interview – A Man’s Guide to Success with Women
“A Man’s Guide to Success with Women”
Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Dr. Christie Hartman
Dr. Christie Hartman is an internationally recognized dating expert, behavioral scientist and author of five dating advice books. A recovering academic and closeted nerd, Christie has refocused her overactive, analytical mind on unraveling the scientific and psychological mysteries behind dating and attraction.
Christie is the author of Changing Your Game: A Man’s Guide to Success with Women & Back In The Game: Succeeding With Women After a Divorce, a dating guide for men who want to shake off their divorces and find love again.
Christie also has three books for women: Find The Love of Your Life Online, a must-have guide for every woman navigating the dense jungles of online dating, shares the secrets to avoiding the online dating mistakes most women make. She also wrote the groundbreaking Dating the Divorced Man: Sort through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You and It’s Not Him, It’s YOU: The Truth You May Not Want – But Need – To Hear.
Christie has appeared on national television, including the Today Show and Fox News Live, and has made appearances on local TV shows such as News2 Denver, the Everyday show and Daybreak. She’s a frequent guest expert on the radio, has published articles for eHarmony, JDate, The Good Men Project, YourTango, Denver Magazine, and Cupid’s Pulse, and has been quoted in articles for CNN, U.S. News, Match.com, Chicago Tribune, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Jezebel, Yahoo, and Marie Claire.
A graduate of the University of Colorado (CU), Christie earned her MA in Clinical Psychology and her PhD in Behavioral Genetics.
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(00:48): Hello everyone and welcome to Intersections Match’s Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show focused on the continual evolution into the best versions of our authentic selves. We and our guests discuss relationships and health and wellness, each of which contributes to meaningful and fulfilling lives.
This is Jasbina, your host. I’m a former practicing lawyer and the Founder of Intersections Match, the only elite national personalized matchmaking company focused on singles of South Asian descent nationwide in the US.
I’m very excited to welcome psychologist, author and dating coach Dr. Christie Hartman to our show today. Christie has authored three books, which we’ll be discussing today. The first book is It’s Not Him, It’s You: The Truth You May Not Want- but Need- to Hear, an insightful and research-based book for single women. The second book is Changing Your Game: A Man’s Guide to Success with Women. The third book is Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You.
Christie has appeared on national television including the Today Show and Fox News Live. She has had numerous appearances on local TV shows and has made numerous radio appearances across the US and Canada. Christie has also been quoted in articles for CNN.com, Match.com, Cosmo, Women’s Health and Shape. Welcome, Christie.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(2:12): Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.
(2:18): It’s a pleasure to have you. What led you to write each of these three books?
Dr. Christie Hartman
(2:24): Each one had a different reason. I’ll briefly tell you the reason for each one. Dating the Divorced Man actually came from personal experience. I dated someone going through a divorce. There were so many interesting and complex problems. Everywhere I looked to find support, I found none. After a few years of looking into this, reading blogs and talking to people, I realized that this could be a really helpful book.
It’s Not Him, It’s You is really about women’s top ten dating mistakes. I’ve talked to so many women in my work. Doing the research that I do, I realized that there are certain things that women struggled with over and over. I wanted to compile them and share them in a book. That brought out It’s Not Him, It’s You.
Finally, Changing Your Game is a book for men. There is so little out there for men right now. There’s nothing out there for men that isn’t a pick-up guide or a seduction book. That’s fine but a lot of men just want regular dating advice, like advice on how to succeed with women. That’s why I wrote that one.
(3:41): All three books definitely have some unique insights. We’re going to dive into them one by one. We’re going to start with It’s Not Him, It’s You. In the book, you identify what you term the top ten mistakes that women make in the early stages of dating. For the benefit of our female listeners, I’d like to discuss three of the ten. Please tell us about mistake number two, which is, your attitude sucks.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(4:19): That should have been mistake number one. Your attitude in dating is everything. When you have an attitude of, “I hate dating. Dating sucks. Men suck. I don’t trust men,” you go out with an attitude of failure. You set yourself up for failure. I try to show women in that chapter, no matter what has happened, you need to learn from it and move forward. You need to have a can-do attitude that you will rise above whatever negative things have happened in the past. You will succeed if you keep trying and learning.
(5:07): I love that. I tell clients all the time that this is an adventure. Your attitude and perspective is so crucial. I think that chapter is one of my favorites.
Let’s talk about mistake number four. This is another one that I found particularly compelling. That is, you have weak standards. Christie, I found your distinction and discussion between being picky and discriminating particularly insightful. Can you share with our listeners about the weak standards chapter and this distinction that you make?
Dr. Christie Hartman
(5:51): This is another big one, especially for women. It is to differentiate between being picky and being discriminating. We want to have high standards. We want to date with standards. We want to date people who are good, quality people and who are right for us. Determining what that is can be kind of complicated. I try to illustrate that being picky isn’t really a good way to go about it.
Being picky and focusing on surface characteristics or things that, in the long term don’t really matter, are things that are nice to have but not necessary. They are things like, some women only want to date tall men. Some women only want to date men of their ethnicity. They only want to date men who make a lot of money or have a certain build. These things are all bonuses.
They’re not usually things that are going to make you happy. What I try to get women to focus on is how he makes you feel when you’re around him. How does he treat you? Do you have shared values? Do you both want to have kids? Do you want to raise your kids the same way? Do you share religious and political beliefs? Those are the things that cement people together. The rest of it is a bonus. I try to get women to focus more on that stuff and less on the surface stuff.
(7:16): The concrete examples were helpful. The next one is mistake number nine. It is, you plan your wedding after your first date. I think this one is relatively commonplace. Tell us about that.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(7:47): When a woman is planning her wedding after the first date, when you meet someone you really like and you click, it’s easy to start thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to have a future with this person. I wonder what our kids would look like.” Sometimes your mind just goes there. There is nothing wrong with that. Some women just take that far too seriously. I’ve heard women say, after meeting a guy and talking to them for an hour on one date, “I’ve just met my future husband.” They’re serious. I think that you can certainly think, “I’ve met someone with great potential here.”
But there is no way that you will know that soon if that person has true future potential. You have to really get to know them. I know that sounds obvious but sometimes it’s very easy to get caught up in that initial chemistry. Then you get too attached. You start ignoring all the bad signs. Then everything goes downhill from there. I urge women to slow down. If you feel really optimistic about a guy, that’s great. Keep it to yourself. Don’t start moving too quickly. Don’t start questioning him about where the relationship is going. Just sit back and see if your instincts are actually correct.
(9:16): Things like making changes to your life and how you spend your time play into that. You’re hoping for the best but also keeping a perspective. That chapter definitely helps in parsing that out.
Let’s shift gears and turn to our male listeners. In Changing Your Game, your most recent book, you say that when it comes to dating and women, there are two kinds of men. You term them problem solvers and complainers. Tell us about that.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(10:06): That goes back to what we talked about in chapter two of the previous book. That’s about attitude, or what I call mindset. When you’re a man and you want to succeed with women, you can go in with a problem-solving mindset, which is a can-do attitude. You think, “I’m going to go out there and meet these women. If things don’t go my way, I’m going to figure out a way to get around that.”
You contrast that with the complaining mindset, which is a powerless mindset. This can happen to anyone. When you’ve had struggles with dating, women or something bad happened with your ex, it’s easy to get into this belief of, “I don’t trust women. I don’t like women.” It can really be self-defeating. I encourage men to take on a problem solver’s mindset. Go out there with this attitude of, “The past is the past. I’m going to make this work for me. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to try something that does. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to keep changing how I think about things until I find something that does work.” I encourage men to find the thing that works. Keep trying until you find it. If you’ve had bad experiences in the past, you can change that any time with new experiences.
(11:41): For both men and women, it comes down to having an empowering mindset or attitude. You want to be able to identify the problem solver as someone who is going to figure it out versus the complainer who is powerless. They are either pointing a finger at others or overgeneralizing. It starts with the mindset and attitude.
In your book for men, you mention what you term the magic formula. This is the formula. Success with women equals masculinity plus respecting women. Tell us about that formula.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(12:31): I’m a big fan of formulas of any kind with graphs, charts and maps. It always makes me happy. I tried to come up with something simple that everyone could relate to. Success with women equals masculinity plus respecting women. You’re trying to cover all the bases with that formula. Women are attracted to masculinity. Masculinity is very basic. All men are masculine.
You have to be comfortable in your manhood. You don’t want to feel embarrassed about your manhood. There are men who are way too nice. Sometimes they’re embarrassed to be masculine. They’re embarrassed to be men that admit they love sports, listen to Rush Limbaugh or do manly things. I think it’s okay for men to be that way. At the same time, it’s also important to be woman friendly.
You don’t have to be too masculine. You can like women. You can be friends with women. You can try to understand women. The mixture of those two are the things that help men succeed with women. The masculinity attracts women to men. Liking women helps them to succeed with women over the long haul.
(13:50): Success with women equals masculinity plus respecting women. It’s about being secure in your manhood. We know that confidence is so important for both men and women in life in general but also in the dating process. There are people who are secure in themselves and accept those parts of them. Like you said, masculinity is part of being a man. When they accept that part of themselves, it makes it easier to accept others even if they’re different, which women can be in certain ways.
I found your book’s discussion of the illusion of endless options in online dating interesting. I run across that all the time. I’d love for you to share about that with our audience.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(14:59): This is a huge problem in online dating. Online dating is a whole different ballgame than what I call conventional dating. It has different rules and assumptions. You have to approach it entirely differently. Otherwise, there will be huge frustration. When you get online and do a search for women in a certain age bracket with certain attributes, you can get a pretty big list.
You get this idea that you have all these options. You might think, “Wow, look at all these women. Look at all these amazing women who live in my city that fulfill my general attributes for height and weight.” It’s easy to assume that you have all of these options. People compensate for that illusion by being pickier and pickier. They think, “If there are 1,000 women between 30 and 40 who have bachelor’s degrees and they’re all attractive, why can’t I start being pickier about how thin they are or narrowing that age range even more? I only want women with master’s degrees. They have to be women who want two kids, not three.”
It’s easy to assume that there are so many options. You get pickier and pickier. That actually works against you. That fact is, the illusion of endless options is an illusion. In reality, when you get online, there are a ton of people on there but there are very few that you’re going to interact with. There are even fewer that you’re going to connect with. You need to find those people by broadening your criteria and changing how you approach all of this.
(16:50): Your book discusses criteria to be less choosy on one hand and then criteria to be choosier about on the other. Tell us about that.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(17:08): It’s going back to that picky and discriminating thing again. One thing that men should be less choosy about is age. It’s extremely common for men online to aim for women who are younger than themselves. In many cases, a lot of couples are usually close to the same age or the man is a couple of years older. That’s fine.
A lot of times, when you aim for only younger women, you’re ruling out a huge amount of women who are going to be interested in you. They are women your age or women even a few years older than you. Just by including those women in your age bracket, you can vastly increase the number of options that you have. I tend to encourage men to do that.
The things that you should be pickier about are things that are going to matter in the future. They are things like whether or not you want kids. A lot of people pay no attention to this online. They think, “She’s attractive. She’s in the right age bracket. I’ll date her.”
A lot of people don’t look to see if that person wants to have children. You can choose all of these different options. You can choose that you definitely want kids, you’re not sure or that you definitely don’t. I think that’s something that people should pay close attention to. That’s the type of thing that’s a massive deal breaker down the road. Why put yourself through that?
(18:57): As far as having children, that’s a life goal, whether you want them or you don’t. The implications are there. You don’t want to make assumptions and not pay attention to that. Our listeners tend to be commitment minded. If you are looking for someone for the long haul, knowing the life goals and having compatibility there is crucial.
Let’s jump to the third book, Dating the Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide if He’s Right for You. Your book details the pros and cons of dating divorced men. I’d love for you to share some of your top ones with our listeners.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(20:06): There are many pros and cons. They’re mostly pros, which is good news if you’re divorced. Many people are. They want to get back out in the game and feel like they can have good luck. And they will. The biggest pro with dating a divorced man is that it shows that he is interested in marriage.
If you want to get married and have a family, or just want to get married, a divorced man is proof that he’s interested or capable of doing that. If you’re afraid of men who are commitment phobic or who are less traditional and don’t value marriage, usually, divorced men liked being married and want to marry again.
Another big one is that divorced men are usually a little bit more mature and experienced. They know how to make a long-term relationship work. Getting divorced doesn’t mean that you don’t know how to make a relationship work. It usually means that you had to learn a lot. For whatever reason, the marriage didn’t work out.
Anyone who has been married knows that it takes a lot of work to make a relationship work. A divorced man isn’t going to wig out because you have a bad day, you have a meltdown or you’re moody. A man who’s been married has been around the block. That’s a nice thing.
I’d say that the only con is baggage. This varies from man to man. Baggage doesn’t have to be a bad thing but it can be. The most common reason why it can be a problem is when men don’t deal with their baggage. They have an ex-wife who is still angry about the divorce and who is calling every day and harassing him or his new girlfriend. That’s bad news.
Maybe his children are still grieving the divorce and resent the new partner. These are the kinds of things that can be problems but they don’t have to be. Usually, if a man deals with his baggage or the issues that are divorce related, then he can move forward into a new relationship with great success.
(22:34): Your book discusses five guidelines for dating divorced men. Please share these five guidelines with our listeners for navigating your way when you’re dating a divorced man.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(22:56): There are a few different ones. First, try to find out his situation. Every divorced man has a different situation. Divorced men are as unique as the rest of us. It’s important to find out if he’s divorced yet. Dating separated men is a whole different ballgame than dating divorced men. If he’s actually divorced then it’s much easier. Does he have children? How many does he have? How old are they? Younger children are a different challenge than older children. What is his relationship like with his ex-wife?
You want to find a situation that is compatible with your needs. If you want a free, fun lifestyle than a man with three young children may not be the best choice for you. If you are interested in being a step-mother, young children can be great. They’re usually very welcoming to new partners, whereas older children are already grown up and beyond the need for a new parent.
Another tip that I give is to take your time with a divorced man. In some cases, it’s important to assess whether he’s ready for a new relationship or not. Some divorced men are ready to move on but some are not, especially if the divorce was recent and if they’re not divorced yet. They may seek a relationship but they may not be ready for one yet. You have to watch his behavior. If he seems ambivalent, he disappears for a while, he’s still grieving the divorce or showing signs of grief, it’s important to back off and let him go through what he needs to do.
(24:56): There is so much in your book. You mentioned that being separated is different from being divorced. There is a lot of great discussion in there about navigating your way through that situation as well. As you emphasized, everyone is unique. There is no one category of divorced. We’re all quite unique.
Knowing yourself and what you’re looking for and taking the time to get to know someone in that situation pays huge dividends. I appreciate you sharing your insights with us, Christie. They’ve been really interesting. I’m wondering if there is any last thought or take-home message that you’d like to leave our listeners with.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(25:56): I try to tell people that dating is a great personal seminar. It’s a great way to grow as a person. Dating will bring out a lot of our insecurities and the ways that we struggle in life. It’s a great opportunity to face those insecurities and conquer them. I tell people, no matter how rough dating gets, no matter how frustrating it can be, keep at it. It will make you stronger. Everything that happens is getting you closer to finding the right person and the right situation for you.
(26:37): I love that. Going through that process and having that growth helps tremendously when you’re in that relationship in terms of maintaining it. I’d like to thank Christie for joining us today. It’s been a pleasure.
Dr. Christie Hartman
(26:55): Thanks for having me on. It’s been awesome.
(26:59): Christie, are there any websites that you’d like to share with our listeners today?
Dr. Christie Hartman
(27:03): I have a website. It’s ChristieHartman.com. I also have a blog filled with free advice about all the things we talked about today. I love when people comment and put in their two cents.
(27:22): In case you joined us late or would like to share this show with people in your life, I’d like to remind you that today’s radio show will be archived and available as a podcast on Intersections Match’s website, which is www.IntersectionsMatch.com. I can be reached at jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com. I appreciate you hanging out with us. Do email me with topics you’d like discussed in future shows. Make sure to join us for next month’s show. Take care, everyone.
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What do you think?
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