Brian Howie Interview – How to Find Love in 60 Seconds
“How to Find Love in 60 Seconds”
Jasbina Ahluwalia interviews Brian Howie
A few topics Brian Howie addresses in this interview are:
- (2:53) Cease Opportunity for Love
- (3:40) Drop Your Guard: Meeting The One
- (4:39) Are Women Unapproachable?
- (5:33) The Great Love Debate: What Is It?
- (7:13) Still Single: 2 Reasons Why
- (9:16) How To Become Approachable
- (10:37) Dating Norms in US: North vs South
- (13:10) Attitude Towards Dating: Regional
- (16:34) Men Do Not Think Like Women!
- (19:27) Men Lack Confidence in Dating
- (21:03) Initiate a Date: How To
- (23:25) Do Not Fear Rejection Men
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Brian Howie is a Writer, Director, Producer & Author, How to Find Love in 60 Seconds.
The nationally-renowned relationship phenomenon, “How to Find Love in 60 Seconds” is a unique step-by-step approach which teaches women how they can take control of their dating fate, and find love…in 60 seconds!
The book is based on Brian Howie’s sold-out series of Great Love Debate seminars that has women around the world cheering, laughing, and learning to find love!
(00:48): Hello everyone and welcome to Intersections Match’s Talk Radio, a monthly holistic lifestyle show focused on the continual evolution into the best versions of our authentic selves. We and our guests discuss relationships and health and wellness, each of which contributes to meaningful and fulfilling lives.
This is Jasbina, your host. I’m a former practicing lawyer and the Founder of Intersections Match, the only elite national personalized matchmaking company focused on singles of South Asian descent nationwide in the US.
As a dating coach and matchmaker I’m always interested in fresh perspectives from authors, researchers and experts to help me provide unparalleled service to our clients.
I’m very excited to welcome Brian Howie to our show today. Brian is an author, director, producer and creator of How to Find Love in 60 Seconds, creator of the groundbreaking number one off-Broadway sensation Pieces, which enjoyed sold-out runs across the world. He’s the creator of the unique Great Love Debate. On today’s show, we will be discussing Brian’s book, How to Find Love in 60 Seconds as well as his unique Great Love Debate tour. Welcome, Brian.
Brian Howie
(1:51): Hey, Jasbina. How are you?
(1:53): It’s great to have you on. Let’s start out with what prompted you to write the book How to Find Love in 60 Seconds.
Brian Howie
(2:01): I had been in Hollywood for many years working with a lot of actors and actresses. I realized there are a lot of people are hiding behind certain masks and certain personas. They really weren’t embracing who their true selves were.
A lot of that trickled down to their relationships and sort of their dating fates.
I interviewed 1,500 women over about 10 years and I realized that women are absolutely 100% in control of their own dating lives. Either they do not want that power, they do not recognize that power or they don’t know how to act on that power.
I decided to write it down in a book and lay it all out how in 60 seconds, you can make certain decisions and change your life.
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Cease Opportunity for Love
(2:53): Wow. What are some of the key action steps for someone to find love in 60 seconds?
Brian Howie
(3:04): Love in 60 Seconds is not about a quickie. It’s not about anything like that.
During the course of any day, there are about five or six 60-second periods of time where, if you understand that opportunities are in front of you
- You know how to act on them
- Recognize them
- And most importantly not kill them
…that you can make certain decisions in 60 seconds that can either create a spark or not kill a spark.
Elaborating on Cease Opportunity for Love.
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Drop Your Guard: Meeting The One
(3:40): Based on your book, what are some of the mistakes people are making in really killing that spark in those five or six opportunities they’re getting on a daily basis?
Brian Howie
(3:54): They’re really putting up a wall around themselves, whether it’s a metaphorical wall of baggage or a physical wall.
They basically think, “During the course of my day, I will not meet anyone.”
Elaborating on Drop Your Guard: Meeting The One.
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Are Women Unapproachable?
(4:39): Let me go deeper with this in terms of a wall of baggage.
Give me one or two examples of how you’ve seen this demonstrated. How are people doing this? They may not even be aware of it.
Brian Howie
(4:56): A lot of women really don’t understand how unapproachable they really are.
A lot of it is facial expression, body language or that you’re buried in your phone.
Elaborating on Are Women Unapproachable?
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The Great Love Debate: What Is It?
(5:33): I want to talk about the unique Great Love Debate that you’ve been spearheading throughout North America.
What is The Great Love Debate and what led to you coming up with this idea?
Brian Howie
(5:51): My book, How to Find Love in 60 Seconds, was scheduled to come out in January.
I thought that I could either go on my book tour by myself and have 30 people in Barnes & Noble and do a reading or I could bring up some of the subjects and key points of the book in a forum where there are other voices and where we have an audience of a couple of hundred people able to react instantly to a lot of the material and a lot of the theories that are brought up in the book.
Elaborating on The Great Love Debate: What Is It?
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Still Single: 2 Reasons Why
(7:13): I know that the topic of the 50 shows is, why do you think everyone is still single?
Having done 49 shows, why do you think everyone is still single?
Brian Howie
(7:35): At its core, the women want the men to try harder and the men want the women to make it easier.
I believe that there has been a rise over the last 10 years in the independence and the masculine energy of women. The men have sort of become more sensitive and afraid.
That has thrown things out of whack. It has led to either the inapproachability of women or the failure of men to step up their game to meet that.
The second part of that equation is that there has been a rise in online dating and social media.
Elaborating on Still Single: 2 Reasons Why.
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How To Become Approachable
(9:16): You said that women want men to try harder and men want women to make it easier.
Is there anything you can think of that women can do to make it easier for men, let’s say in that proverbial bar you just mentioned or anywhere else, to approach them?
Brian Howie
(9:38): First of all, get off your phone.
Second of all, understand that if you’re in a group with your girlfriends and you are creating a little box or triangle of three or four of you, it’s very hard for a man to approach. It’s very hard.
You need to open up your body language. Give them some sort of fun, flirty, flirtatious, friendly or playful signal that it is okay to approach.
Elaborating on How To Become Approachable.
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Dating Norms in US: North vs South
(10:37): Yes, and it’s totally unexpected. That in and of itself kind of does the trick.
I’ve noticed in The Great Love Debate, there can be a range. I think I’ve seen anything from the 20s to 50s and 60s. You’ve heard from different age groups.
Have you noticed any patterns in differences among different age groups with respect to any aspects of how we’re dating?
Brian Howie
(11:05): When we first started this tour, the farther south we got, the younger the crowds got.
When we did the East Coast, we started in Boston and we worked our way down. By the time we got to Philadelphia or Washington, D.C., we arrived at a consensus that a man should never ask a woman out via text.
I thought that was one thing we could put in ink. That was right.
Then I got farther south and some of the women in our audience were 32 and younger, with people in their 20s.
That demographic clearly wants to be asked out by text. They think a phone call is too intimate, too vulnerable, and only part of a phone call.
Elaborating on Dating Norms in US: North vs South.
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Attitude Towards Dating: Regional
(13:10): I know that you’ve been in Canada and throughout the US. Have you noticed any patterns and differences among singles up north in Canada versus the US?
Brian Howie
(13:34): It’s simple.
- The people in the West Coast are sort of frustrated.
- In the Northeast, they’re sort of mad.
- In the South, they’re sort of sad.
- In Canada, I noticed that they were hopeful.
Elaborating on Attitude Towards Dating: Regional.
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(14:51): Those are very interesting differences. Having done 49 shows, what are some of the most memorable anecdotes that you’re still kind of musing about now?
Brian Howie
(15:07): We did a show in Greenwich, Connecticut. That’s my home town.
Bravo television was shooting a show so it was kind of an interesting dynamic. Not everyone wanted to be on television.
A woman stood up in the crowd and said, ‘what do you do if you go on a date, you have a nice time, and the man says, he’s going to call you, and he doesn’t call you?’ Everyone thought that’s fairly normal.
Then she said, “What do you do if that man is here tonight?” The women demanded that he show his face and raise his hand, and he did.
To his credit, he stood up. He raised his hand and said, “I just didn’t like you and I was trying to be nice.” The men rallied around him.
We keep the men on one side and the women on the other side. Then the men said, “He’s trying to be nice.”
The women just looked at that as another lie. They looked at it as though, “You lied and that’s still a lie.” At his core, he didn’t know how to communicate in a proper fashion. It didn’t mean he was a bad guy. It didn’t mean he was trying to hurt her. He just didn’t know how to say that he wasn’t interested.
He went with the default which is, “I’ll give you a call,” not understanding that, to a mature
woman, that reads as a promise. It all went down from there.
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Men Do Not Think Like Women!
(16:34): Wow. Has anything surprised you?
You mentioned the situations where you concluded that text does not work for some age groups but text is better than phone at very early stages from the younger women in the South.
Is there anything else that surprised you that you’ve learned over the course of these 49 shows? You had that hypothesis that was inherently disproved by what you heard from the men and women in the audience. Was there anything else?
Brian Howie
(17:16): I’m surprised at how women understand that a man does not think the same way they do and don’t care, and forget.
They assume that he knows what they’re thinking. They assume that their body language is readable.
Elaborating on Men Do Not Think Like Women!
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Men Lack Confidence in Dating
(19:27): This is interesting. You wrote the book and then you went on tour. You’re experimenting with the singles.
Have your views changed at all since writing the book and having seen what people are saying out there?
Brian Howie
(19:53): I’m still single myself so I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m surprised, and I probably shouldn’t be, how men’s confidence is really shattered.
I will say that 10% of men are naturally confident enough to approach any woman, but most of those guys are jerks.
Elaborating on Men Lack Confidence in Dating.
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Initiate a Date: How To
(21:03): Based on your learnings over these 49 shows and the 1500 interviews that you did in the course of writing your book, what are your top two or three tips to women?
I know you’ve mentioned quite a few throughout this, but if you could just encapsulate the top two or three tips you would tell to women listeners, given everything that you’ve mentioned in terms of the challenges and the environment.
Brian Howie
(21:32): I don’t believe that a woman should ask a man out.
That’s me. I’m probably wrong. Most people disagree with me but that’s my personal philosophy.
What you should do is let a man know that he can ask you out.
Elaborating on Initiate a Date: How to.
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Do Not Fear Rejection Men
(23:25): I love that, especially, “I will tell you when I see you.” I find that a lot of men are almost waiting for permission.
It’s not that they don’t necessarily want to ask someone out online, but over the course of their interactions, there have been women who have completely slammed that or are concerned about their safety and security.
I love that you said that. I love, “I would like to do it again.” I think there’s a lot of stuff out there.
What are your top two or three tips for the men in terms of navigating this?
Brian Howie
(24:11): Don’t be afraid. You’re probably going to get rejected, okay?
We had a very smart panelist who did a bunch of our shows. His name is Thomas Edwards.
He believes that your “yes” lives in the land of “no.”
What that means is to assume you’re going to get a no, but every time you dive in there, you might get lucky and find a yes.
Elaborating on Do Not Fear Rejection Men.
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(25:11): I really appreciate you sharing your insights with us, Brian. I’m wondering if there are any last thoughts or a take-home message that you’d like to leave our listeners with.
Brian Howie
(25:25): Yes. Understand that the men are equally as frustrated as you are, and men need to understand that the women are equally frustrated.
We are all going through a tough time. We all lack confidence.
We all have trouble communicating. Just keep at it.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help either. Especially if you’re dating online, don’t be afraid to get help with your profiles.
Not everyone is a writer. Don’t be afraid to ask strangers, professionals, dating coaches or matchmakers for help.
It is a rough go for all of us, but there are people out there for everyone. As a matter of fact, there are lots of people out there for everyone.
If you keep your head up and say hello, recognize, act on it, and most importantly don’t kill the opportunities every single day, you can find love in 60 seconds.
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(26:12): I love that. There are five or six opportunities every day. Thanks, Brian. It’s been a pleasure having you on.
Brian Howie
(26:19): Thank you, Jasbina.
(26:23): In case you joined us late or would like to share this show with people in your life, I’d like to remind you that today’s radio show will be archived and available as a podcast on Intersections Match’s website, which is www.IntersectionsMatch.com. I can be reached at jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com. I appreciate you hanging out with us. Do email me with topics you’d like discussed in future shows. Make sure to join us for next month’s show. Thank you so much.
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Tell Us:
What words of wisdom from Brian Howie have changed your perception on finding love? Share with us in the comments section below.
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