Defining biases From Life Experiences
Jasbina Ahluwalia discusses with Dan Crum, author of Is He Lying to You?
You make one very compelling point in your book. I find it compelling given what I do day to day. You advise readers to address what you call their “biased focus” and take off their dating blinders. Share with our listeners what you mean by that.
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Dan Crum
The naughty word is to say that someone is “prejudiced.” A softer word is to say that you’re “biased.” Everyone should admit that they have biases. Biases are as simple as looking at someone wearing round glasses like Harry Potter and saying, “That person might be a nerd.” It might be looking at the person who wears a vest and thinking, “Maybe they’re a professor or a librarian.”
Defining biases From Life Experiences: Dating Blinders
We tend to put people in a box. We tend to make immediate judgments based on our previous experiences. I call those “dating blinders.” It’s really not giving a person a fair chance. You are immediately label them based on your previous experiences.
For the women out there, you meet a guy and he has tattoos on his arms. You say:
- “This is a wild man.”
- “Maybe he’s a biker.”
- “Maybe he’s in a gang.”
If you’ve had experiences of people like that in the past, you place those same labels and biases on that new person.
With a bias, you are putting them in a box. You will prove the point of what you’re looking for.
If you want to see them as a nerd, you’re going to look for ways that they’re a nerd. You’re going to prove yourself right. If you want to see that they’re a bad boy, you’re going to look for ways that they might be a bad boy. You’re going to prove yourself right.
Defining biases From Life Experiences: Being Fair
With this entire book and everything that I teach, my number one principle is about fairness. I want to bring this back to a basic level.
I did not write this book so that you can ruin relationships that are going well. I believe that, if someone has earned your trust, you’ve been dating for a while or you’re married to them and they’ve proven to be a trustworthy person, you should continue to trust them. You shouldn’t be on a witch hunt looking for deceptive behavior.
Defining biases From Life Experiences: Following Your Inner Guidance
However, if there is a situation where you start to have concerns, doubt or a feeling that something is not right, that’s when you need to use these skills.
That’s when you need to use what I teach and look for deceptive behavior. I have a strategy called “Get real.” It teaches you how to overcome this bias that we all have. It goes to the root.
If you’re in a relationship, your bias might be, “I can trust my husband because he has never lied to me.” That’s good.
- Stick with that until there is that concern, doubt or uneasy feeling.
- Then, go into it without saying, “I’m going to look for truthful behavior because I can trust him.”
- Go into it looking for deceptive behavior because that’s what you’re trying to find at that point.
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Tell Us:
How defining biases can benefit you entering a relationship? What is the importance of fairness in terms of building relationships? Give us your feedback in the comments section below.
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The above is an excerpt from Jasbina’s interview with Dan Crum.
The entire interview transcript is at: Dan Crum Interview – Is He Lying to You?
Listen to the entire interview on: Intersections Match Talk Radio – Jasbina’s Lifestyle Show
Listen to the entire interview on Blog Talk Radio: Is He Lying to you? – Dan Crum
Listen to the entire interview on iTunes
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