Seek Therapy for Communication

Jasbina Ahluwalia asks Dr. Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love: What one begins with is not what one needs to end with. That is very important.

What are some of the most common reasons that you believe people seek couples counseling? What are some of the patterns that you see?

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Dr. Pat Love

Seek Therapy for Communication: “No Communication”

The most common reason why people seek help is, they say, “We don’t communicate.”

I often think that’s a little funny. It’s impossible to not communicate.

Even going silent or withdrawing and pouting is a form of communicating. Criticism is communicating.

Seek Therapy for Communication: Connection

It’s about communicating in a way that I can hold onto myself and yet be connected to you.

I can regulate my own emotions while you are being different or expressing love in a way that I don’t understand.

Seek Therapy for Communication: Partner Changes

People come in saying, “I need help with communication. I need my partner to change.”

It’s so interesting. When a couple comes in, I say, “How can I help?” They often say, “You can help by getting him or her to do XYZ.”

Seek Therapy for Communication: Purpose of Marriage

This is a very important difference. This study came out about 2007. It was a big study that showed that three out of four people in the United States no longer believe that marriage is for the bearing and raising of children. We believe it’s for personal fulfillment.

That represents an idea that I’ve seen in my practice for years. That is, if you and I are a couple, then somehow I believe it becomes your job to make me happy.

You and I both know that there is no research that says, “You’re going to make me happy.”

Seek Therapy for Communication: Happiness

Ultimately, happiness is an inside job. Yes, you can make my life miserable. Yes, you can elevate my happiness by being a great partner. But you don’t make me happy. It’s an inside job.